Tuesday, July 23, 2013

It Isn't Over

Hello Beautiful. I know that my posts have been few and far between as of late. I know that I have alluded to "things" going on in my life that have kept me away, but haven't truly given explanation of what those things were. I think enough time has passed that I feel I can share what has been going on in my world with you.

Are you ready for this? I'm not sure if I am, but I'm going to take a deep breath and pray that writing this will actually be therapeutic for me.

Since the beginning of I Look Good Today in 2011, I have shared personal stories with you that revolved around my hubby and I. Stories of how we met, dating, marriage, sex and everything in between. We have been together since 2001 and he was everything to me. I had my prince charming. My fairytale was complete.

Well, as any couple does, we had our issues, and to make a long story short, those issues became overwhelming, and in Oct of last year I moved out of our fairytale "castle" and separated from my prince.

This decision did not come lightly, it didn't come with first exhausting every opportunity to change the situation and it didn't come without extreme heartache. I found myself a shell of the person that I was leading up to this decision. It was the hardest decision of my life (in our life) to make. I felt my world was ending. We aren't talking a casual relationship that was ending here friends. We were talking twelve years of sharing your life with someone you loved deeply. Twelve years of memories. We met when I was 22! I'm now 35!

So, hopefully you can understand a bit more of why I went off the radar for a while and why I am still, almost a year later, pulling myself back into the routine of writing a daily blog and sometimes it is just easier than others.

This all being said, I look at the calendar and think. . .wow, a year has almost gone by. I look at the person that I had become and who I am now and think. . .oh hello Jamie - there you are, I've missed you.

We all go through really hard times in our lives and no one can tell you the extent to how hard you will be hit by your circumstance! Sadly, there was nothing - and I mean nothing - anyone could say to me in my darkest moments that truly consoled me. I felt loved by friends and family, I felt supported, yet I still felt EXTREMELY alone! I was a prisoner in my own head. I cried daily. I was in literal hell! I could not believe that a marriage, a partnership, that had been so strong was crumbling before me and there were too many broken pieces for us to pick up without getting hurt some more.

I literally thought my story was ended. He was the love of my life. Was anyone going to love me like that again? Was I ever going to feel whole again?

It is amazing to me how we go through circumstances in our lives and honestly experience a flood of emotions. I was sad, I was angry, depressed, fearful, faithful, anxious with anticipation, excited for what could be, devastated of what was, guilty for not being able to make things work. . .

Can you understand where I am coming from? You may not have experienced saperating from your spouse, but I am sure you have faced challenges in your life that have been overwhelming.

What I have learned is this. Life does go on. The sun will continue to shine. You will find happiness again.

My mother gave me very good advice, probably the best I have heard, when I was at my worst. She told me to focus. Focus on one, just ONE thing each day that made me happy - that was a positive in my life and hold on to it to carry me through the day. Do you know how hard even that was for me? I was lucky to be functional, and now I was supposed to find something positive? I was going down a very dark and scary path and I knew that if I was going to make it, I needed help.

Luckily I didn't fall in to any of the substance abuse techniques of coping - believe me, it would have been easy to do so. I just focused on the positive as my mother said, I surrounded myself with family and friends,  I prayed and found comfort in my faith and just took one day at a time.

Looking back, a new person, a stronger person, I can tell you with resounding confidence that YES someone will love me and YES I will feel whole again and YES my story isn't over - in fact, it is just beginning.


  1. This is truly a tale of sadness, yet one of promise & inspiration. I see a lovely young woman, inside & out. No doubt, you're emerging on the other side now. Your faith & strength will carry you through to a wonderful, fulfilling life...the light of happiness is shining once again & the sky's the limit!
    God bless you in all that you do from here on out. Thanks for giving hope to others.

  2. Thank you so much Sherie! Your kind words mean the world to me! XOXO

  3. It took a lot to share this with everyone. We're here for you!

  4. I have just come across your blog, and your heartfelt writing touched my heart. I know how it hearts when you split up with someone who is your whole world.....my husband and I split 11 years ago, and the physical pain at the time with two small children actually felt like a pain in my heart......yes heartache does exist its real, but it does ease with time, and life goes on and we become stronger, and find contentment and happiness again....Yes the sun will rise and a beautiful woman will emerge! Well done my friend! xx